God's Ways to Resolve Conflict
As I’m sharing my journey through this issue of dealing with conflict, I’m speaking to myself too. I’ve failed miserably in the past but am trying to learn from my mistakes.
I had no idea how big the topic of dealing with conflict was. All I knew was that I didn’t like it – and I avoided it at all costs. I didn’t know that there was a good reason for this. Now it makes sense that I couldn’t handle the big rejection when I was a teenager – because I was already on shaky ground…
Several years ago I was at a seminar on Healing Trauma by Sandra Sellmer-Kersten from Nacham Ministries (formerly of Elijah House) learning how to help people – and God showed me a vision – that I didn’t want to be born because of ‘unresolved generational conflict’. This ‘unresolved GENERATIONAL conflict’ has not only affected me, but also family members in different ways.
I forgave the sins of my ancestors for the issues that had led to conflict and their unwillingness or inability to resolve the conflict in a positive way. Then I asked the LORD to heal the emotional, physical, and spiritual trauma I had suffered, even in the womb, from this unresolved generational conflict.
However, before I understood all this – forgave my ancestors, and received my healing – I avoided conflict at all costs. Thinking I was doing the right thing, I wouldn’t confrontoffences or people being overly touchy in conversation when I accidently triggered one of their unhealed hurts. This is wrong for three reasons:
It allows anger and resentment to build, we distance ourselves with avoidance behaviour, and walls go up in our hearts;
We lose our peace and condemn ourselves for not having the courage to confront that person;
It condones or enables the ungodly and damaging behaviour of the other person.
However, sometimes healthy boundaries are essential in very toxic, ongoing situations.
Some avoid conflict at all costs, which leads to anger and division. Others seem to enjoy embracing conflict. If you enjoy bringing correction, you may not be doing it in love.
Nicky Gumble, founder of Alpha shared,
“Years ago, I was speaking to a friend of mine who is not a Christian. He said this to me: ‘I don’t understand. You Protestants and you Catholics, you look exactly the same to me. You both have church buildings that look the same. You both say the Lord’s Prayer and do stuff with bread and wine. Whatever it is you disagree about (and I have no idea what it is) has absolutely nothing to do with my life. However, whilst you are fighting each other I am not interested.’ It struck me then how damaging disunity is to the church and our witness to the world. No wonder Jesus prayed for ‘complete unity’ (John 17:23) and the apostle Paul was passionate that we should be ‘perfectly united’”. (1 Corinthians 1:10)
God’s way of resolving conflict is in Matthew 18:15-17:
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
Matthew 5:22-26 teaches:
“… anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ (Aramaic for ‘worthless’) is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of Hell. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
Pastor John Ramirez, ex-devil worshipper, now a born-again Christian equipping the body of Christ in spiritual warfare shares that Satan’s top objectives are:
steal our faith
cause division between believers
John 10:10,
Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. Jesus came that we would have life, and life to the fullest.
Jesus No. 1 objective: that we would have life, unity and love…
John 17:22-23,
Jesus said, I have given them the glory that You gave Me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.
Unforgiveness is one of Satan’s main schemes for causing division. Paul talks about forgiveness in 2 Corinthians 2:10-11…
“I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”
Ephesians 4:26-27,
“Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.”
Unforgiveness gets a foothold and becomes a stronghold — then bitterness springs up and defiles many (Hebrews 12:15).
NZ Christian author Shirley Cunliffe has published an excellent book, Embracing Conflict, sharing these insights:
Scriptural guidelines are given so damage can be minimised, healing or resolution can come – or an understanding that healthy boundaries and consequences are required – and we can get on with our lives.
God’s way for resolving conflict with another Christian believer is to go straight to the person and discuss things with them.
However more commonly it is the Christian’s tendency to go and tell someone else, who then tells someone else. This is called GOSSIP. Sadly, many tolerate hearing one side of the story because it fits their agenda.
Proverbs 6,
There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community
Triangulation occurs when an innocent bystander hears the offence by one of the parties and gets infected by his new knowledge of the so-called offender. Unless he puts a boundary in and refuses to be party to the gossip, he can get drawn into taking sides, which is what the offended one wants.
If someone comes to us wanting to share gossip about an offence or grievance, the first question to ask is, “Have you gone to that person and spoken to them about it?”
If they have not, advise them to go and speak to them directly about it and show them the scripture from Matthew 18:15-17, where possible. Deter further discussion, don’t take sides and don’t enter into the gossip.
We need to check ourselves:
Do we follow through with the guidelines in Matthew 18?
Are we more scared of man than of God?
If we have a fear-of-man problem, we need to repent and be set free
Are we able to admit when we are to blame?
Are we able to humble ourselves and ask forgiveness?
Are we able to repent? (and stop doing it)
Do we have hidden agendas?
Are our motives selfish?
Is there a jealousy issue? Why?
If we struggle here, we need to seek help from mature believers who will be honest with us. Sometimes we need reassurance that our intended course of action is correct. Confidentiality is key and gossip should never be a factor here. Always finish with prayer.
If we have done someone wrong, we need to look at them in the face and say sorry, own our bad behaviour and say specifically what we have done wrong. This is hard, especially when good conflict resolution has not been modelled in our families (as is usually the case). In some cases family members have even been life-long perpetrators of abuse. However, in Jesus, we are the change-makers.
Choosing to be offended is easier than confronting the issue in love. Or we may have wronged someone and don’t want to own our mistake or do anything about it.
The truth can hurt, and we may also dislike the truth someone gave us, but we need to go before the Lord and get insight for our healing and breakthrough. Self-examination is VERY important to see if there is anything needing correction or repentance in our own heart and life.
Anger is our body’s way of revealing we need to act – something isn’t right. A situation needs addressing when there is emotional pain. Ask God for His wisdom and guidance through scripture and prayer. If necessary, ring a godly friend and seek wise counsel. Ask ourselves why we aren’t happy, and if appropriate, speak to the offender. By doing nothing we keep ourselves and others stuck in unhealthy behaviour.
Distancing yourself for a season is effective. It sends a message you don’t want to be around someone if the abuse (rudeness, manipulation and control) continues. It also gives us emotional breathing space. Repeat offenders need to hear what the consequences will be for continued bad behaviour so there is no misunderstanding. It’s important to action those consequences when necessary.
Keep your grievance central to the confrontation and don’t allow distraction away from the issue raised. Always confront in private, but warn that you are prepared to address the issue publicly if your warnings go unheeded.
After confrontation, evaluate the situation:
What did I do well?
What could I improve?
What did I learn about the other person?
Did I give the other person space to express their side?
Recapping keys from EMBRACING CONFLICT (Shirley Cunliffe):
Forgive the person straight away and bless them - BUT
Don’t let rude or hurtful behaviour towards you go unanswered
Always affirm the person at the onset before any confrontation
Confront the person in love, with respect
Do it in a private setting
Use a kind voice and soft face, loving the person, but not the act
Don’t delay – do it quickly
Examine yourself and see if there is anything needing correction or repentance in your own heart and life
Evaluate how the confrontation went and what I learned
Matthew 5:7-12,
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Matthew 6:12-14,
And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 7:12,
Treat others how you want to be treated.
To listen to the audio of this VIP message, click here
To purchase Shirley Cunliffe’s essential book, Embracing Conflict, click here
Janet xox
If you don’t know Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, and want to, pray:
“Lord, I surrender my life to You. I ask forgiveness for my sins. By faith I receive the gift of eternal life. I ask that You baptise me with Your Holy Spirit. Thank You for setting everything right between You and me. Show me the way forward with You, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Congratulations, you’ve just made the most important decision of your life. Now ask God to show you a good church to be a part of, and bring the right people around you, and He will.
If you’re not sure, and want to know if God is real, pray this (even quietly in your heart):
“God, if you’re real, show Yourself to me.”
Hear my story in podcast with Megan McChesney, Back from the Abyss
Visit janetbalcombe.com to learn more about my books, other blogs, or to connect with me. To see what else I’m up to, visit: wildsidetrust.org, wildsideministries.com and wildsidedesign.net
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! -2 Corinthians 5:17
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. -Romans 12:2
Put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. -Ephesians 4:22-24